OK, no more excuses.

It’s time.

I’ve been planning this forever.

I’ve used too many excuses to delay starting.

“Someday” is here.

It has to happen.

I’m scared.

I’m excited.

I’m creating the life I want.

I’m going to become the person

I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I’m going to design a life for myself.

It’s time.

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Preparing For Change

December 26, 2010

Once again I am preparing for change. 

The toughest thing about it is that I don’t know what that change will be.  My company was recently purchased, and “corporate redundancies” will cause job loss for some, and the rest have to prepare for change.  We don’t know what kind, or what that change will look like, but change will come.

I used to thrive on change.  When I was younger I looked on change as a challenge.  I don’t know when change turned to stress, but that’s what it did.  Uncertainty gives me a heaache and heart palpitations!  The thought of losing my job – the first job post college that I have just started to feel like I was excelling at – is in jeopardy.  It makes me terrified to think of starting over yet again.  Starting over after the divorce was the hardest thing I ever did.  I know I can make it through this, but  I don’t want to have to.

I have become a security junkie in a world where there is no security.  I learned that marriage doesn’t offer it, and jobs no longer offer a lifetime of security like they used to.  We move, we change careers, cell phone plans, upgrade our computers and televisions at alarming rates.  Nothing is secure.

Except for God.  My security must come from him.  Only He has the ability to offer the security and comfort I seek.  Why is it so difficult to accept what He offers and instead expect it of an ever-changing world?

“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge…”  Psalm 18:2

 

Blessings All Around Me…

August 22, 2010

Recently I was lying on a fabulous down comforter on a bed in a Hilton hotel room in Minneapolis, soaking up the cool air conditioning and luxurious surroundings , pondering my life.  A year ago I was hauling cases of beer out to customers’ cars while in college and now I’m staying in great hotels on all-expenses-paid business trips in an industry I’ve always been fascinated with.  I am awed and overwhelmed with my continued blessings.  What changes a year makes!

A year ago I was afraid I wasn’t going to find a job to support myself and the kids.  My worry was off the charts.  Now I go to work every day thankful and happy with my lot in life.  I love to give this job all I have not only because I’m thankful but I truly find it exciting and challenging and downright fun some of the time.  I am so truly blessed to have all that I have.

I am glad that the memories of a year ago are still so fresh in my mind and that I can continue to be so thankful.  The job at the liquor store was essential for us to survive while I went to school, and I am grateful to the owners for their help and understanding.  It was a great people place.  But now I work with people in an industry that has always been a fascination to me, I love the job and I am experiencing so many new things.  I am growing and changing and it’s such a good thing.

Growth hurts.  Change can hurt.  But it can also bring about new experiences that never would have happened without the pain.  I have hurt, but I have grown.

Go Through the Doorway…

February 11, 2010

Fear is the doorway to all CHANGE & OPPORTUNITY. 

 Are you going to go throught the doorway? 

 Or are you going to sit in your room?

 

prayerThis is a prayer I have had forever and I just love what it has to say.  On hard days it has always helped.  I hope it helps you, too.  It is by Paul Geres from the book “Prayers For Impossible Days.”

Lord, when I woke up this morning, I said to myself that this would be a day just like every other day.

And it was.

I took the same subway as every morning, I read the same comments in the paper on an international situation which never changes.

I went up the same staircase as usual, and on my desk I found the same piles of papers to go through – papers which have been exaxtly the same for almost ten years.

The janitor was the same and so was the personnel director.  They looked like they usually do; they had that blank expression which says that nothing new is going to happen today.

For lunch I had the same old thing to eat.  It was Monday.  I went back to my desk until five o’clock.  And I just came home knowing full well that tomorrow it will start all over again.

God, I’m tired of it all.

I had hoped for something completely different.  I had dreamed that someday I would lead an active and exciting life.  That was a dream.  Yet it can be painful to wake up from a dream.

I’ll never be anything but what I am.

I know that some people would be happy in my situation.  True.  But that doesn’t help my fatigue and boredom.

Lord, let me talk to you tonight about my fatigue, about my desire to get away from here.  To whom can I speak about this, if not to you?

Nobody understands.  They say: “What is he complaining about?”  And perhaps they are right.  It’s only normal that you do your job.

Therefore I shall talk about it only with you.

Don’t change anything.  My life doesn’t have to change.  I must change.

Lord, help me to think less about myself.

Help me to see that there are other people besides myself.  For whom today is just like every other day.

It is a great example of learning to get over yourself and think about others.  It is about making things better by adjusting your thinking instead of jumping jobs, houses or life partners just because you are bored. 

But most of all it is taking your discouragement to the Lord and letting him whisper to you what needs to change.

 

flutter

Last night I couldn’t sleep.  This is kind of a regular thing for me, but lately that time of night has been full of creativity.  I write entire blog posts – brilliant ones, too! – and then can’t remember them in the morning.  Last night I actually got up to write this topic down because I started to think about the changes my life has gone through in the past two years.  I have compared this time of my life to the transformation of a butterfly all along.  But last night I started thinking about all the pain I’ve gone through during this time and it started me thinking…does the butterfly suffer, too? 

As nature makes over the simple caterpillar into a thing of beauty, does it hurt?  Does it feel the growing pains of its metamorphasis?  I wonder what the time in the chrysalis is like for the caterpillar.  Is it a restful time while nature takes care of the changes, or is it an intense time of work and struggle?

Regardless of the process, the butterfly and I will eventually emerge – each as a new creation.  The pain we have gone through will be rewarded by discovering we have wings.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly…

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