Learning to Let Go…

When you were 4 days old I went to the grocery store for the first time since you were born…it felt like I had left my arm behind.  You were a part of me.  I cried the whole time.

When you were 5 years old I put you on a school bus on the first day of kindergarten.  I smiled to cover my anxiety and sadness.  I followed the bus and watched you get off and go into the school.  I cried all day and didn’t stop until you got off the bus at the end of the day.

When you were 13 I had to let you go every other weekend.  I had to give you up for half of every holiday… and I died a little inside every time.  It never got easier, and I cried a lot. 

Today I moved you into your college dorm.  I helped you unpack and feather your new nest.  I am so excited for you, and I tried so hard to ease your fears, while pushing down my own. 

It seems like yesterday you were that newborn that I couldn’t bear to leave.  Today I drove away with an aching heart…sadness, pride, joyousness and thankfulness all fighting within me…

…while I cried.

Advertisement

Roots and Wings…

My daughter graduated from high school last weekend.  We had her graduation party the day after, so I haven’t been blogging due to intense stress and exhaustion! There was excitement, but it was also bittersweet for me – it was a letting go…my little girl is grown up.  She turns 18 in a couple of weeks and then we have her college orientation a day after.  I’m not ready to let go yet!

My mother used to tell me that the two greatest things we can give our children is roots and wings.  Roots to a family bond that keeps them grounded when they are away, and wings so that they can fly off and fulfill their own lifes purpose.  I have tried to give my children deep and strong roots.  The wings part?  Well, we shall soon see.

I’ll Be Back After Graduation!

I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth – although some days it feels like it!  I am in the final two weeks of my college career.  As of May 16th I will earn my Bachelor’s Degree – FINALLY!  I will be graduating Summa Cum Laude from UW – Oshkosh in their Organizational Administration program.

So, I am deep into final papers, final projects and no sleep.  Forgive me, pray for me, and I will will return…

Life is Just So…

A Little Holiday Sparkle

Years back there was a quote by Mary Engelbreit that said “Life is just so daily” and that just about sums up my life the past several months.  The essentials take over everything and crowd out creative time.  At our house it’s been sickness.  I had planned to use my January break to get caught up on things and have lots of unstructured creative time.  Ha!

I have had two -yes, two – bouts with the flu.  I am just feeling better, and this morning my son woke up sick.  January is nearly gone, and with February my final semester of college begins, meaning I will be buried in coursework.

Life is just so….daily!  Single motherhood is just so…intensely daily! 

Many hours while I lay sick, great ideas came to me.  The brain seems to go on being creative, even while the hands can’t.  I wrote things down, I made plans in my mind…all things I planned to do once I felt better.  But then life got “daily” again.

I miss the days when I could sit down and do art projects with the kids.  I didn’t even mind the messes so much because I could do something creative, not just the “daily” chores.  Now they are older, and while they still want me around, they want their cell-phones, iPods and xBox’s, not an afternoon of art.  They are intensely creative, just not in the same ways as me.  My daughter wants to be a graphic artist.  Making a video is her artistic outlet.  My son is talented also, but rarely wants to sit still long enough to paint.  Football beckons, electronic stimulation calls…

Life keeps on being “daily”.  How can I find time for the artist inside?

A Year Ago Today…and the Silver Linings

A Year Ago Today was a really difficult day for me.  One year ago today, April 18, 2007, my divorce was final.  A divorce I didn’t seek, didn’t want, and am still reeling from.  With all the tears and the trauma involved, it’s hard to find the silver linings, but we try.  It’s gotten to be a thing with me and the kids, looking for silver linings.  For example, none of us like chunky spaghetti sauce, but we made it that way “before” because X liked it that way.  So, one of our first silver linings was smooth spaghetti sauce.  Baby steps. 

And there have been lots more silver linings.  My friends and my family have kept me going and have not given up on me.  God has been ever-present and has made me so aware of these silver linings…one of the biggest has been this jewelry business.  It was my hobby business, the one that I kept small because X thought it might interfere with my being support staff for his business, and it might get too busy for me to take care of the kids the way I always had (alone, basically).  But now I see how God gave me this business that was already trying to grow to help me provide for my children during the upheavals of the past year.  I had not worked outside the home before the divorce, and due to the growth of my “hobby business”, I have been fortunate enough to still be working at home. 

Sometimes the inspiration isn’t there.  Sometimes I feel so sad I don’t want to create.  But at other times the ideas flow and the creativity won’t be quieted without hours at my beading table.  My children are so proud of me and I am learning to be proud of myself again.  I went through the Urban Hope program to learn more about entrepreneurship.  I am finishing up my Bachelor’s Degree that has been unfinished for 23 years.

A Year Ago Today, I thought my life was ending.  Sometimes it still feels that way.  But it hasn’t been the end, it’s just the beginning of something new.  I heard once that when we lose something it just makes room for something else to come into our lives.   I have gained much this year, and there’s still room for more.  I will get up tomorrow morning and continue to try to fill it with more silver linings