The Security Myth…

March 10, 2011

 

On January 26, 2011 I received notice that my job was being eliminated along with 74 others.  I had just been downsized.

At first I panicked, which is a normal reaction.  I am a single mom, after all.  What was I going to do?  How was I going to support my family?  What would become of us all in this depressed economy?  For the first week I cried, I prayed, I had massive anxiety issues.  I couldn’t sleep.

Panic is my nature.  Worry is, too.  I am highly emotional, and by my nature I go to these places when things happen.  Then I get very “busy.”  Which I did by going to the local job center and getting paperwork and information going before they even had a chance to schedule anything for all of us at my workplace.  I signed up for a class on Shipbuilding. I had my resume finished and my Linked-In profile updated and started stockpiling toilet paper on sale.

 Then the most amazing thing happened.  While down with a migraine, I had hours on end to think.  I allowed my brain to wander, and it did something that surprised me…it opened up to possibilities.  I started to dream again. I asked myself “what if?”  And it was SO EXCITING! 

In the aftermath of my divorce, I gave up the dreams I had in order to provide for my family.  I was too busy seeking some form of security from the outside world to dream anymore.  I needed a salary.  Benefits.  Stability.  Security.

 But guess what?  For a while I had the salary, benefits, stability, and what I thought was security.  But it really wasn’t security, because I had no way of knowing my company would be sold.  So it was a false security that I bought into for awhile.  Realizing this was a real a-ha! moment for me.  There is no such thing as earthly security! 

 Wow – what a revelation that was to me, and how freeing it was!  It opened the floodgates to ideas and dreams and plans that have obviously been stuffed down inside of me for far too long, things I’d given up on because they didn’t offer the security I thought I needed.

Why was I so willing to look for security in strangers instead of in myself?  Who has more at stake than me to provide for me and my family?  I know my responsibilities and the capabilities I have…who better to trust my children and myself to?

So I’m going to trust in myself and go with my dreams.  I don’t know what the future holds or how things will work out.  But I do trust God, and I know He put these dreams inside of me for a reason.  He will work with me and through me.  I have a chance to finally live the life I want to live, on my terms, in my own way.  What I thought was a disaster could be the biggest opportunity of my life.

 I’m putting my money on me.

Image from http://www.colectiva.tv/wordpress/lang/en-us/2008/08/
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Life is Just So…

January 22, 2009

A Little Holiday Sparkle

A Little Holiday Sparkle

Years back there was a quote by Mary Engelbreit that said “Life is just so daily” and that just about sums up my life the past several months.  The essentials take over everything and crowd out creative time.  At our house it’s been sickness.  I had planned to use my January break to get caught up on things and have lots of unstructured creative time.  Ha!

I have had two -yes, two – bouts with the flu.  I am just feeling better, and this morning my son woke up sick.  January is nearly gone, and with February my final semester of college begins, meaning I will be buried in coursework.

Life is just so….daily!  Single motherhood is just so…intensely daily! 

Many hours while I lay sick, great ideas came to me.  The brain seems to go on being creative, even while the hands can’t.  I wrote things down, I made plans in my mind…all things I planned to do once I felt better.  But then life got “daily” again.

I miss the days when I could sit down and do art projects with the kids.  I didn’t even mind the messes so much because I could do something creative, not just the “daily” chores.  Now they are older, and while they still want me around, they want their cell-phones, iPods and xBox’s, not an afternoon of art.  They are intensely creative, just not in the same ways as me.  My daughter wants to be a graphic artist.  Making a video is her artistic outlet.  My son is talented also, but rarely wants to sit still long enough to paint.  Football beckons, electronic stimulation calls…

Life keeps on being “daily”.  How can I find time for the artist inside?

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