The Security Myth…

March 10, 2011

 

On January 26, 2011 I received notice that my job was being eliminated along with 74 others.  I had just been downsized.

At first I panicked, which is a normal reaction.  I am a single mom, after all.  What was I going to do?  How was I going to support my family?  What would become of us all in this depressed economy?  For the first week I cried, I prayed, I had massive anxiety issues.  I couldn’t sleep.

Panic is my nature.  Worry is, too.  I am highly emotional, and by my nature I go to these places when things happen.  Then I get very “busy.”  Which I did by going to the local job center and getting paperwork and information going before they even had a chance to schedule anything for all of us at my workplace.  I signed up for a class on Shipbuilding. I had my resume finished and my Linked-In profile updated and started stockpiling toilet paper on sale.

 Then the most amazing thing happened.  While down with a migraine, I had hours on end to think.  I allowed my brain to wander, and it did something that surprised me…it opened up to possibilities.  I started to dream again. I asked myself “what if?”  And it was SO EXCITING! 

In the aftermath of my divorce, I gave up the dreams I had in order to provide for my family.  I was too busy seeking some form of security from the outside world to dream anymore.  I needed a salary.  Benefits.  Stability.  Security.

 But guess what?  For a while I had the salary, benefits, stability, and what I thought was security.  But it really wasn’t security, because I had no way of knowing my company would be sold.  So it was a false security that I bought into for awhile.  Realizing this was a real a-ha! moment for me.  There is no such thing as earthly security! 

 Wow – what a revelation that was to me, and how freeing it was!  It opened the floodgates to ideas and dreams and plans that have obviously been stuffed down inside of me for far too long, things I’d given up on because they didn’t offer the security I thought I needed.

Why was I so willing to look for security in strangers instead of in myself?  Who has more at stake than me to provide for me and my family?  I know my responsibilities and the capabilities I have…who better to trust my children and myself to?

So I’m going to trust in myself and go with my dreams.  I don’t know what the future holds or how things will work out.  But I do trust God, and I know He put these dreams inside of me for a reason.  He will work with me and through me.  I have a chance to finally live the life I want to live, on my terms, in my own way.  What I thought was a disaster could be the biggest opportunity of my life.

 I’m putting my money on me.

Image from http://www.colectiva.tv/wordpress/lang/en-us/2008/08/

Preparing For Change

December 26, 2010

Once again I am preparing for change. 

The toughest thing about it is that I don’t know what that change will be.  My company was recently purchased, and “corporate redundancies” will cause job loss for some, and the rest have to prepare for change.  We don’t know what kind, or what that change will look like, but change will come.

I used to thrive on change.  When I was younger I looked on change as a challenge.  I don’t know when change turned to stress, but that’s what it did.  Uncertainty gives me a heaache and heart palpitations!  The thought of losing my job – the first job post college that I have just started to feel like I was excelling at – is in jeopardy.  It makes me terrified to think of starting over yet again.  Starting over after the divorce was the hardest thing I ever did.  I know I can make it through this, but  I don’t want to have to.

I have become a security junkie in a world where there is no security.  I learned that marriage doesn’t offer it, and jobs no longer offer a lifetime of security like they used to.  We move, we change careers, cell phone plans, upgrade our computers and televisions at alarming rates.  Nothing is secure.

Except for God.  My security must come from him.  Only He has the ability to offer the security and comfort I seek.  Why is it so difficult to accept what He offers and instead expect it of an ever-changing world?

“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge…”  Psalm 18:2

 

A Poem for Today

March 3, 2009

I refuse to be intimidated by

reality anymore.

After all, what is reality anyway?

Nothin’ but a collective hunch…

I made some studies, and

reality is the leading cause of stress

amongst those in

touch with it.  I can take it in small

doses, but as a lifestyle

I found it too confining.

                                                            -Jane Wagner

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